Confession of a BKH

Dream

2009-12-03T04:33:00.000-08:00

Oh my last, this is the first time! I had dream yesterday night. Sleeping wasn't great at all. Woke up so many times. I can feel that my family gem is rock hard! I went down and adjust it. And it's a lil wet ;]

Yeap it was a wet dream. I dret humping this guy if I am not wrong . It was hot n steamy in a confined space. Bah ! I need some air! Waking up this from this dream, was so saddening . I miss physical contact with another guy. Molesting, licking, bjing? Keke. Too much testosterone now!

Oh btw, the guy I dreamt about is a hot Indian!

Rural

2009-12-01T00:34:00.000-08:00

A trip to the rural of B is definitely very fun. It was few hours of speeding my leg wide behind the motorcycle. I am not used to resting my leg on the drivers bum. Therefore I spread out, avoiding any contact. Bro thinks I am crazy. Me too haha...

I would love love to have a bf that drive bike =P . First, riding a bike look like a bad ass. Second, I can hug him tight from behind. Third, I can molest him when he is driving =p .

Passing by the rural area, there were lots of topless native mens. Well built, toned, leaned, six packed, tanned ... Cream de la cream. I was rather turn on by that! Who wouldn't! I wanna touch, squeeze, feel, and milk them!

I sound so pathetic now. Oh well~

Feel it

2009-11-30T05:28:00.001-08:00

We went travelling from S to a different city, B . The bus company's driver came to pick us up from the hotel we were staying. It was not only us that go to B that day . When were waiting the other people, 2 people appeared slowly from the shadowed alley. An Indian and an Caucasian.

He say to me. That Indian look very gay. I replied oh really? ( obviously I know despite my broken gaydar..)

They enter the van and I was looking out all the time throughout the journey to Bus station. We reached and got down. He say, that two guys are gay! The Indian was adjusting his shirts and buttoning up him. So geli...

I felt about it. In some way I was hurt. What if he know I am gay? What will he do, what will he respond to it?

He is my brother.

My past

2009-11-15T19:36:00.000-08:00

Met ex-gf last night. its amazing to see how happy she i now.. dating my best friend. Somehow i like her like this. More positive, cheerful in a way attractive.. and what am i know attracted to her again? no.. i wont put her through another hell...

me and my gf.. dated for nearly 5 years until she discovered my bf. it was definitely a chaotic moment for her. i feel sorry i did that to her.

why am i gay now?

-it's because i was abused in my younger days... my cousin.. when i still dunno right or wrong . and assume male to male action is one of the nature.

-my relationship with my gf.

Dilemma

2009-11-04T16:32:00.000-08:00

Suddenly he stopped blogging, and i realise because of this stop, it made me even miss him even more. It has been a real great deal for me to miss someone. i am expressive-less.

I only have 1 relationship before. 1 great one. Certainly believe quality is more important than quantity.He confronted me saying i shud wait for him but... shud i. Shud i wait for my ex? shud i....

I met a guy. Not met but we certainly had been real close ever since i know him.I had a little feelings to him so does he. And apparently its not as strong as how he feels bout me.

i scared i might hurt him. i dunno how to tell him not to fall so deeply.

Somehow i dun see future in both of us. Quite easy predicting it too on other people....I dun like hurting people therefore i dun flirt or even try starting a relationship....i know i am a bad boyfren. i know it. Unless u make me go crazy for u. thats nearly impossible...my ego is very high at least i identify my weakness...even with the high ego. my self-esteem is always very low....

Oops

2009-10-14T20:29:00.000-07:00

Oops i did it again?

Haha

With all the countries going

All mess up

in this big ass earth.

How funny!

Freedom

2009-10-13T04:35:00.000-07:00

Give me back my freedom back.

I have an ex-bf who always gets in my way till now.

A selfish devil.

who control wats happening around me

and still want my life to revolve around his, even after break up...

It took my 3 years to forget u

and it took u 2 months to get another one to replace me.

That's life.

Love

2009-10-08T06:32:00.000-07:00

i need people to love me

pamper me, care for me

hug me

but to no avail...

i realize something
i know i am quite good looking
but i always attract girls

instead of men.

this is annoying.

2 girls is chasing me now

its all awkward and painful.

lazy

2009-09-26T18:31:00.001-07:00

so much to tell but lazy.
fren are asking me to give up
but i was so attached to him
i lose myself.

it wont be a happy ending for sure
will i'll wait for that one shot

Insignificant

2009-09-18T18:27:00.000-07:00

After this week.
i know how insignificant am i to u
guess.. i'm just ur spare tyre...

i shud stop thinking about u...
but tell me how.

sadness

2009-09-18T06:07:00.000-07:00

it was happy to know u
it was happy to chat with u
it was happy to share my past with u
it was happy to saw u in webcam
smiling at me
and melted my heart

it was happy when u talk to me
talk about ur stuff
talk about ur childhood memories
talk about wat i shud do
talk about wat i shud strive for
and continue to dream

but u have a boyfriend.

it was sad when u decided to ignore me
it was sad when u wont reply my sms
it was sad when i need a shoulder to lean on
and all i get was... i am not in the mood
it crush my heart so deep
and u made me another man

a man that...

lose his confident
lose his pride
lose his youth
lose his time
lose his... heart
for u

how could u do this to me.
i will never forget wat u put me thru
never ever.

very true

2009-09-18T05:57:00.000-07:00

Dedicated for Everyone
(You just can't miss this!)

I am chatting with the people all over the world.
I met lots of people on the net.
Everybody has their own value for me.
I had chances to know gay people on net.
I cannot say I am understanding gays completely,
at least trying to understand them.

I am a straight man.
if you asked "What does gay mean?"
to me in a few years ago.
I could say
"a man who has a physical desire for other men"
In years, I met gays on the net, and
have an idea about those people.

if you ask "What does gay mean?" now,

I can say

a man who has to hide himself
to protect himself from the society,
a man who is rejected by the society,
a man who is trying to reject being a gay
behaving like a straight man,
a man who may be a close friend, a buddy and a father,
a man who may feel helpless and needs our help,
a man who may feel hopeless, needs us to give our support,
a man who feels lonely, needs us to share his loneliness

WHAT REALLY MATTERS?

My parents asked if I'm gay,
I said does it matter,
They said not really,
I told them yes I'm Gay,
They said get out of our lives,
I guess it mattered!

My Boss said are you gay,
I said does it matter,
My boss said not really,
I told my boss, yes I'm gay,
My boss said you're fired queer,
I guess it mattered!

My friend asked if I'm gay,
I said does it matter,
My friend said no not really,
I told my friend yes I'm gay,
My friend said don't call me friend,
I guess it mattered!

My lover said do you love me,
I said does it matter,
My lover said yes,
I told my lover yes I love you,
My lover said hold me in your arms,
For the first time something in my life matters.

God asked, Do you love yourself,
I said does it matter,
God said yes,
I said how can I love myself if I am gay,
God said because that is the way I made you,
Nothing will ever matter again.

Does it matter for you?

...

2009-09-08T17:20:00.000-07:00

think he has ED -- erectile dysfunction

Dream

2009-09-02T16:31:00.000-07:00

Dreamt about him

we are on our way to One u

we ended up in a stairs

he started caressing my board shoulder

moving to my chest

hugging me from behind

and work his hand all the way down

to ...

i was happy yet sad

cause when i was dreaming it

i know its a dream i was semi concious...

and i wished could stay in the dream

but ... i am blogging here now

i'm trap

2009-09-02T06:14:00.000-07:00

I have been single for around 2 years now

because i am timid and because i am still in my hometown

i dare not take action.

people always say to me

don't think of what people might think of u

but i am always very self concious

thinking.. wat if these news that "i am dating a men"

reach my mum's ears

and yes... i am scared...

i have been a silent reader of lots of gay blog

and now i taking my first step...

jotting down stuff in blogger.com

trying to share wat i encounter and wat i experience last time

nothing juicy though...

Just so you know. i leave in a very small town in borneo.

I finally had guts to add a gay in my msn list...

knew him through his blog

and chatted with him for few days already

my hands were literally cold when i was chatting with him

just to show u how excited and nervous i was ;)

and my feeling to him is very strong

he seems like the ideal guy!

smart, talented, mature, good looking

but... the problem is he already have a crush

and that makes me wonder if he is toying me

the way he talk, the way he compliment me...

i was over the moon

but...

1st post

2009-08-30T23:51:00.000-07:00

Me, myself and I...

I am Swert

I am 21 years old

I am from Borneo Island

I am loving with Sepias

I am a teacher

I teach Add Math, Science to Art (secondary students)

I teach all subjects to Primary students

However, my command of language is very weak

just so u know =)

and ...

most importantly

I'm Bi-curious ;)

i am still very new to this blogging thing!

love to learn new stuff =)